The Xydexx Institute of Squeaks

Old News

As a Discordian, I've always found that weirdness trumps flamewars any day of the week, and so it doesn't take long before I get bored with the arguing and go wander off in search of a big puddle of weirdness to jump into to.

Blessed be all those things that go bump in the archives. And there's no silence in the night. Hail Eris.

Jun 6 02:17 1997 from Xydexx Squeakypony

Ich hab eine Frage von wo hast du deine aufblasbare Tiere?

Wenn du interesse hast, dann sendest mir bitte eine E-mail.

Jun 6 02:30 1997 from Xydexx Squeakypony

[Xydexx pauses a moment to stuff this through his telnet connection as well.....]

flame bait - n. A posting intended to trigger a flame war, or one that invites flames in reply.

To which I say...
Feh.

Jun 12 02:03 1997 from Xydexx Squeakypony

I'm too busy fantasizing about Santa's -other-, lesser-known reindeer, like Boinker and Bouncer and Squeaker...

Feh. -:)

Jun 21 02:04 1997 from Xydexx Squeakypony

THE ADVENTURES IN ETHICS SERIES PRESENTS: Frequently Unanswered Questions

Thank you for contacting the Juno postmaster. This message is an automatic acknowledgement that we have received your message. Rest assured that your message will be read by a member of our postmaster staff; in the meantime, you may find that the following information addresses your questions.

So anyhoo, is this Xydexx Squeakypony the real Uni this time, or is it a wannabe / cheap imitation / Uni Worshipper?

Answering this question would require a brief glimpse back into 914 history, when 1200 baud was state of the art and users would watch Mr. Rogers Neighborhood in the early morning hours and fantasize about stuffing Lady Elaine Fairchild back into her rotating library museum thing and spinning it around real fast. A simpler time, when boards like Asynchronous City and Melnibonean Council were easy to spell and pronounce, and users could walk into a sysop's house when they weren't around and help themselves to Ellio's pizza and Ben & Jerry's ice cream and start fiddling with the BBS.

Years later, we'd be throwing hunks of carob on someone's shiny new black and gold Lexus and watching them melt in the hot summer sun, wondering whatever happened to those wild and free days. Those in a position to know can verify Xydexx Squeakypony is none other than the infamous Man With Silver Intentions — one of the three delightfully demented siblings — bringing messages of weirdness and inflatable clydesdales wherever he goes.

And then he masturbates all over your back, steals your money, and jumps out a window, leaving you "broke, sticky, and confused".

Next question.

Jun 21 18:50 1997 from Xydexx Squeakypony

LIES! LIES, I tell you. I am a mere computer-enhanced hallucination. There is no Xydexx only Zuul. It's like spending eternity listening to bad hold Muzak on a broken tape recorder or having bees in your head, but there they are. I might be a party account, like the infamous Renfield, who seemed to have so many personalities on System-80 only because a certain cadre of folks had the password for the account, and everyone used it. Verily, I might be purely fictitious and not really here at all, leaving the reader looking about nervously to see what other Damned Things have managed to sneak into the room when they weren't looking.

Jun 27 02:14 1997 from Xydexx Squeakypony

"C'mon... do it again," Xydexx squeaks. "But this time use a helium tank or something."

Mrrrrrr...

Jun 30 01:11 1997 from Xydexx Squeakypony

My Windows Start noise says: "Mrrrrrrrwelcome!"
My Windows Exit noise goes:
"ScreeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeechMMmmMmmMOoOOO!!!! <splattersplatter>"

Jun 30 19:53 1997 from Xydexx Squeakypony

MESSAGE TEXT Folder: INBOX Message 1 of 1 ALL

Date: Fri, 30 May 1997 00:45:47 -0400
From: GOD <heaven@only-knows.com>
To: xydexx@smart.net
Subject: Inflatable Reindeer
Just one word on your Inflatable Reindeer Puzzle Page: Brilliant.
The world would be a far better place if more people displayed a sense
of humor like yours. I love it.

Jul 1 21:48 1997 from Xydexx Squeakypony

The "What The Bible Says About Cheese" page was too good to resist.

ADVENTURES IN BIBLICAL CHEESE: PART THREE

Hail Frumunda - Chaos God of Cheese!

All the insane ranting and raving of a thousand whining Eldar (mostly in rec.miniatures.warhammer) have combined in the Warp to create FRUMUNDA: The Chaos God of CHEESE! Let all slaves of Tournament Rules lay down and worship their TRUE Master.

Principle 8: Do NOT put faith in processed cheese foods, they are not of the real cheese and containing the power of Enlightenment that our Lord hath given them.

Cheese Will Rule The World!!!

Someday soon, the great and powerful Emperor Gouda will rise and take over the world. Be sure to get on His good side beforehand! Worship cheese! Praise it! Eat it only with the greatest of reverence! When His legions of Mozzerella storm your hometown, you'll be glad you did.

Jul 19 22:45 1997 from Xydexx Squeakypony

>plink plink plink>

It's great, I can sit here and tell stories to an empty room. -:) We're all waiting for something worth waiting for.

I can, for example, turn OFF the monitor and type and not worry about things like spelling errors and such. I can write and spew all over and there ain't nothing anyone can do about it, so ah ha ha ha ha!

I'm smiling on the inside and screaming on the outside. I can howl from the rooftops if I want to.

Hang on... gotta turn the monitor back on to start Audiostation so I can listen to Mozart while I type....

Heh. "Eine Kleine Nachtmusik". <click> Classical music playing and the sound of blood and guts in the background while Rigel plays Hexen. Bills to pay, things to do. My car is in the shop at the moment.... because "the front axle popped out of the transmission". Ouch. And I've been driving with it like that since NOVEMBER!

Return and space return and space.
Return.
And space.
I'm gonna lick Bambi all over.

Gee, I wonder how much the editor can hold.... hmmm... Yoink. Mozart's cool.

Hang on though....

Jul 19 23:25 1997 from Xydexx Squeakypony

Boink. I need to scan pictures in and make the Bannerman's Castle Virtual Tour, but I'm ever such a procrastinor about these things.

I need to make big insects and such other critters like those delightfully demented folks who collect strange industrial metal artifacts and weld them into, well, big insects and things. Or not.
Find your own road. Too bad my car is in the shop right now. Hmmmm... change of pace... maybe some TMBG.... nah... Enya.

Enya with sounds of destruction in the background. Can't beat the feeling.

Return and space. Return and spacve. Typing in the dark to an empty room. Hoohah.

We're gonna cross a zebra with a clydesdale and there's nothing you can do about it. -:P
I wanna get 2 CD players... one playing ENYA and one playing KMFDM and put them side by side and let them battle it out. I wanna projectile vomit at your window. I wanna draw Groo wearing a kilt. Maybe I will. Or a tutu. Or nothing but oatmeal.
Oooh, "Carribean Blue". I like dat song.
Return and sopace.
No minitor. No nothing. Just me and the empty room.
One time I drove all the way from Maryland to New York and forgot to bring my tapes along with me. Big mistake, that. I was changing radio stations every minute or so, and finally out of frustration of not finding any good music, started making up my own lyrics to the songs... finding a country station and warbling along in a southern accent about how Bessie got run over by a hay thresher and chunks went flying in all directions in a veritable splatterfest of carnage, buckets of blood and carcass raining down for miles in all directions... and painful tales of rusty barbed wire and pickup trucks and whatever else I can think of and fill the empty room with, of course.

Return and space return and space return and space.
Did I really type No Minotaur? Hey. No peeking.

<click> Thought I'd go away, eh? Thought I'd leave on my own? Nononono.... ain't happening. Not yet, anyway. Hey, go see Contact. It was pretty cool.

Just think, only $180,000 to sit in a shack out in the middle of Australia and do... well, basically NOTHING all day long. Your tax dollars at work. I should get a job doing that, yesyes. I'm tired of being a secretary anyway. Everyone's writing a book except me. Can't let that happen. -:)
Hmmm...
Sometimes you just have to sit and write it all down. I haven't written anything down in a while. So you'll have to excuse me if I sit here with the monitor off and barf everything out in the empty room for a while. Glurg.
Hey, I thought I said no peeking.
The point, the bottom line, I guess, is that you can't stop me. One way or another, I'm everywhere. A computer enhanced hallucination.

Return
and
space.

I should write Dr. Suess books.
Oooohh... he wrote "I CAN LICK 30 TIGERS TODAY".... I'll have to pick that up.... there's something brewing here and it ain't coffee, no siree, pal o'mine! Just you wait and see. This is gonna be out of control.

Heh.
So many ideas, so little time.

Jul 21 21:42 1997 from Xydexx Squeakypony

Just shut the monitor right off. <click>
I never though I'd actually be happy to pay $874 for car repairs. It's better than paying $2,000 though. (This being the ongoing aftermath of "the front axle popped out of the transmission and your car has been pulling itsellf along by one wheel since November")

Return and space.

Of course, they asked me if I wanted to keep the old parts. The cute Honda lackey held up a little baggie with two unidentifyable objects in it, all greasy and yucky. I said yes, of course, thinking there'll be some good use for them. But wait... didn't they replace both axles? These are awfully SMALL to be axles, I think. Maybe I got someone else's junk, because I have no clue what these things are. Weird. Maybe I'll use them as drink coasters once I get them cleaned up.

Nuts.

Blorkorama.

<more stuff on the next screen>

Hmm. Thisis fun. ALIENS III was bought to you by Salon Selectives... let us show you how good your hair can look. (If you recall, everyone in Aliens III had their heads shaved... talk about inappropriate advertising....) Ummmm... did I type into a wall yet?
Bonk?
I'm bored. I should go drive out and buy stamps with all the money I don't have.

Click.
NO CARRIER

Epilogue

Vortex of Latex> Enter message 
 Mon Jul 21 21:52:41 1997 from Xydexx Squeakypony
 
 And that's all I wrote.

Entry cmd (? for options) -> Save message

Vortex of Latex>   


Karl Xydexx Jorgensen

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